10 Wishes For Canada In 2014

Nope, no reviews or predictions here!

As a rule, I don't much care for "year end reviews". I find them to be a waste of time. 

While I consider myself to be a student of history, I find that looking backwards to rehash what has happened in the near past isn't nearly as constructive as looking ahead. What has happened in the past has already happened. We've already lived it for better or for worse. 

Yes, I believe it to be true that he who fails to heed the lessons of history is doomed to repeat it's mistakes, but hey- 2013 has shown us oh so many mistakes- at least as far as Canadian politics is concerned- we all know what they were. In this age of 24/7 news coverage, they've been all too glaring and impossible to ignore. So lets move on already. 

And don't get me started on predictions. None of us has a crystal ball and none of us is, to my knowledge, psychic. The best any of us can do regarding the year ahead, is to make guesses, educated or otherwise. 

So no, I won't be titillating anyone with my prediction that Stephen Harper will suffer from male pattern baldness in the next year and end up wearing a hair piece that makes him look like Donald Trump, hence leading to his continued slide in the polls and his eventual ouster as P.M. But we can hope. 

So no, no rehashing of the high or low lights of 2013 and no Ouija board induced glimpses into 2014 from this corner. But what I CAN offer, are some of my hopes, dreams and wishes for Canada for the coming year. So here is my list of top 10 things I hope happens in 2014:

1) While vacationing on his yacht in the sunny Caribbean, Gary Bettman is

"Arrrr Billy, Have yea ever been to sea"??

kidnapped by a merry band of homosexual pirates. The Pirates attempt to ransom Bettman, but no one seems willing to cough up the money for his safe return. So the price the pirates are asking for the "Tiny-Perfect Person" keeps getting lower and lower until finally, Don Cherry offers the sum of $1.95. The Pirates accept the deal but ultimately, Gary, who ends up changing his name to Sherry, refuses to leave the company of his new shipmates. 

2a) In the absence of Bettman, the NHL seems to come to its collective senses and cancels an impending expansion franchise  that would have seen Boise Idaho land a team which the city had intended to call the "Ice Taters". 

2b) The league then decides to place franchises in Hamilton, Saskatoon, Quebec and Halifax and subsequently creates a Canadian and American conference so that each year, the Stanly cup is contested by an American club and a Canadian club. 

3) Justin Trudeau continues to have good hair days. Much as they try, the ReformaCons can't seem to find a bad picture of Justin who on his worst day, still exudes more charm and charisma than Helmet-Head Harper on his best. 

Harper was never able to pull off the
Clint Eastwood look. 

4) Thomas Mulcair keeps his beard which gives him a  Clint Eastwoodish kind of persona in Parliament that suits his shoot from the hip, rapid fire style of questioning. In keeping with this theme, Thomas's handlers eventually talk him into wearing a poncho and chewing on a cigar stub during question period while occasionally uttering the phrase "go ahead, make my day".

5) Elizabeth May becomes Prime Minister. Hey, if you're going to dream, dream big.

6) Ezra Levant accepts an offer to be a celebrity rodeo clown at the upcoming Calgary Stampede. Once there however, Levant becomes upset with a particularly confrontational Bull who he accuses of being antisemitic. The Bull subsequently launches Levant into orbit and was last seen streaking past the International Space Station where resident Cosmonauts claim to have heard the ex-lawyer screaming "I'LL SUE"!

7) Mike Duffy puts a curse on the entire Conservative caucus so that every time one of them attempts to spout empty talking points and twisted rhetoric, their lips spontaneously combust. 

8) Rob Ford, deciding he needs a vacation from the stress and strain of his own stupidity, goes on Safari in deepest, darkest Africa and attempts to poach wild elephants so that he can sell their tusks for a tidy profit. However Ford's brother Doug, (who is also on this vacation, because the Ford brothers can't seem to do anything on their own), mistakes Rob for one of their prey and accidentally shoots him. Rob, eventually recovers from what turns out to be a flesh wound in the posterior and subsequently blames the Toronto Star for his ordeal. 

9) In an extremely rare moment of contrition, Stephen Harper invites Stephane Dion to lunch at an outdoor cafe in Ottawa. As Harper is about to apologize to Dion for ruining his career, a puffin flies overhead and poops on Harper's head to which Dion comments: "Karma is a bitch eh fat boy"? 

10) Canadians finally wake up and realize that our country's experiment with conservatism was a horrendous mistake and we can all go back to being a respected, progressive nation again.